She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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