My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
