glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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