checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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