If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
