Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
