Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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