I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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