I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
