I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
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I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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