Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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