So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
