If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
