Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
