You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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