He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
