She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
