I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
