I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
