I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm really busy with my period
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