I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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