I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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