I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
