in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
