burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
