Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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