Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wear drunk well.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
