I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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