Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
