Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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