sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
