apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
