Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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