there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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