Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
