I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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