yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
