I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
