areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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