we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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