he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
