Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
