Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
