i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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