Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
