I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
