You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
