Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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