I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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