oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
