On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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