I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wanna passion pit in your ass
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
