You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
