Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
