booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
