So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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