I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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