Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
