Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
