You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
