So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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