sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
