I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
