Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
