Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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