found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
